Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
