I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
