i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
