im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
