I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
