Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
