Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
