so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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