I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
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Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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