My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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