Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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