get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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