I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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