I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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