I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.