Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
