I think I won the penis lottery.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
