When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating