god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
