I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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