My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
