You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she peed on how many people?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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