I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
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my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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