The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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