Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
