Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We need to get me chipped asap
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
