Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
