nut hugger
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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