I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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