You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
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when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
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you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We had sex on a dog bed..
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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