Already got asked if we're dating
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
