On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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