If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.