Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
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Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
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You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.