that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.