She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
