Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
