Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
