it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
