You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
