I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You are the jesus of drinking
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
