My cat gives me a boner
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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