Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
