Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Panties = found
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
