I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
