Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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