she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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