dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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