last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
