I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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