So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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