Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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