is your mom at the bar?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
