I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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