I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I fill condoms, not promises.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
