I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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