Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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