I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
