apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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