My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
