You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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